The TriadCity Adventurer

All the News that Causes Fits

Interview With the Vampire

By Occam
Month of Goats 27, Year of the Dragon 7

Believe you me, I felt my horse and cart thump as I climbed those stairs. Heard the rush, felt the pulse. Fit to alley, I don't mind to admit, and a rough house of it. Some bleeding thing up there wants me for pudding. Bloody hell.

Why I paid such little bacon to decor is your sweet Tess and mine. You'd think I'd be gobsmacked by the penthouse of the bloody Ba Pef Hotel. No, not by that. By my hostess, who was so... so... compelling. I could look only to her, and though by Tom Jones I can't say what she looks like, I can testify that I've seen her everywhere in TriadCity, and so have you.

Occam:  The Central Computer itself has guaranteed my safety...

Vampire:  Now, now. [Her voice is soothing, like a mother comforting a frightened child.] You're my guest! Have some ginger ale.

Occam:  I was expecting...

Vampire:  Bloody marys? Blood sausage, blood pudding? I'm a strict vegan. Would you like some celery?

Occam:  I see. Alright then. All very well and good. As I was saying. May I start by asking your name?

Vampire:  But, my dear! You know my name. All of you do. You see me every day!

Occam:  Yes. Well. Er. Quite. Now about this theme park of yours...

Vampire:  Oh my goodness yes! Isn't it fun!

Occam:  Assuredly. Quite so. Now, there's quite a bit in there about hunting...

Vampire:  But of course! That's what we True Vampires do. The best hunters in Nature. Surely you humans would know a thing or two about this. Your species has been seen stalking prey from time to time. You even have your charming red plaid shirts for just this purpose.

Occam:  Without doubt. Indeed, yes. But...

Vampire:  You see, Occam, predation is simply the naked state of Nature. The most true and unfiltered core of Being. You see? The Cheetah is true to her nature: she runs the great savannah amid trembling herds, hunting. The Orca is true to his nature: he swims the salty sea among briny beasts, hunting. You Humans are true to your nature: you convene here in great cities to more easily stalk the lonely and unwanted. We True Vampires are merely the perfect expression of this universal Truth.

Occam:  The perfect...

Vampire:  [Smiling]: But of course, dear boy.

Occam:  You use the term, "True Vampires." Should I conclude there are other Vampires who are less True?

Vampire:  Oh, no. Not at all. The only real Vampires are True Vampires. It's just... There are so many wannabes. My goodness, those lovely, charming Human teens in their black lipstick and ripped fishnets, those Emo children with their absurdly endearing blood sports. Oh we'd just kiss the little sweet things if only we could stand the sight of bl- that is- of pimples.

Occam:  Can you describe some of your highly evolved hunting skills?

Vampire:  [Smiling]: Oh, my, but that's hardly necessary. You know them, of course you do, you and all your species. You know them by blood memory, by gene memory, by the fabric of your cells. You and we are connected in this way. Joined by Evolution, in perfect equilibrium.

Occam:  Yes. Certainly. Without doubt. TriadCity's Vampires have been compared off-world to American "vulture capitalists" such as Sam Walton or the Koch Brothers. Do you care to comment?

Vampire:  Charles! David! Oh we all love them so! They give the best parties. Just - don't drink the water! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[To my shock, her laughter is joined by that of as many as a dozen other Vampires who've entered the room unseen by me - or perhaps were there all along. I admit that I am extremely disconcerted.]

Occam:  Now - but - that is -

Vampire:  Hors d'oeuvre, Occam? Pretzels? Bean dip?


Occam:  Thank you. I see. You're very kind.

Vampire:  Oh Occam, you must understand. It's not personal. We like humans, we truly do. It's just - a girl's gotta eat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Laughter from all directions around the room.]

Occam:  Splendid. Spiffing. Now, the theme park...

Vampire:  It's just so us, don't you think? Vibrant, compelling, charismatic: pure adrenaline. I feel there should be more flashing lights, don't you agree?

Occam:  Of course. Now, the nurses who are there...

Vampire:  Certified! Each one a medical expert.

Occam:  Well yes but my question is about the blood. Where does it go?

Vampire:  Oh, good places, needy places. Orphans, injured fire fighters, all good causes. But let's not talk about that, Occam. It's like discussing sausages. Of course, we know there are sausages. Do we need to investigate them that closely?

Occam:  Indeed not! My goodness.

Vampire:  You see, Occam, we prefer to be charmed by the details of Existence. We admire the universe, even its sordid little pockets of nutrition and death and loss. Believe me, the view from the top of the food chain is so much more gloriously expansive.

Occam:  Assuredly. Now if I may...

Vampire:  Tell me, Occam, what part of our pretty little park did you most enjoy? Speaking as a Human. We do intend it for you, you know.

Occam:  Indubitably so. Hip hip, and all that.

Vampire:  Was it the roller-coaster? Oh that's fun, isn't it! You so love to be frightened. Or the games? Did you try dunking Sarah Michelle in her great vat of blood?

Occam:  Yes. Curious, that. How were you able...

Vampire:  Oh good! That's my favorite. There's something about sopping wet Human blondes dripping red liquid. [A general murmor of assent bubbles from around the room.]

Occam:  Certainly. Quite so. Just one other question...

Vampire:  Who paid for such an extravagant toy? Who pays to keep it free? Why - society of course! We're downright Socialists when it comes to sharing fun.

Occam:  Without doubt. But what I wanted...

Vampire:  To know the way out? You've lost the door already, have you, Occam? The strange thing about Humans is, for a hunting species they seem to see so poorly.

Occam:  What I mean is...

Vampire:  Thank you Occam! You're such a dear! I've found our conversation absolutely charming.

Occam:  Well - but - forgive me - my goodness -

Vampire:  [Laughing]: Until next time, Occam. Catch you later.

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