The TriadCity Adventurer

All the News that Causes Fits

Meat the Future

By Anderr
Month of Lions 2, Year of the Tiger 5

Looking for a way to pass the time and make a great hourly wage while you're at it? Try Meatpuppetry! It's the profession of tomorrow - today! Here's the scoop: You walk up scenic City Dump Road and take your first right onto John. W. Tyson street. Head east 'till you reach a set of stairs, and you're there! Simply find a vacant booth, relax, and use the 'meatpuppet' command to begin. You'll be lulled into a very deep sleep for the next 24 Triad City hours, full of restful dreams. And get this - when you awaken you'll be one-thousand, count 'em, 1000 dinars richer! Straight to your bank account, no fuss no muss!

"Now Anderr," I hear you saying, "you're a smart young man, but this sounds too good to be true. What's the catch, here?" And I'm here to tell you - there is no catch! Here's how it works: some people have certain desires that, while natural, embarrass them. Specifically, they want to do things to other people, but they'd prefer that as few people be aware of them doing these things as possible. That's where you come in! In a meatpuppetry booth, your body, temporarily separate from your conscious mind, will fulfil the every wish of the paying client - and not even YOU will know about it! When you wake up, you may feel a little sore, but you'll be right as rain and won't remember anything but pleasant dreams. This is possible thanks to the neural bypass, a fantastic device which replaces the inputs and outputs between your brain and your body with pre-programmed personalities for a short time!

"Sounds like a good deal, Anderr, but if they can do anything they want, isn't there a chance I'll die while I'm under?" Ha! If someone wanted to just plain KILL someone, they'd use a slave, silly! Clients who kill or permanently maim a meatpuppet are charged a VERY hefty fine and tried in the courts, so your safety is guaranteed by simple economics! That's not to say you won't get a few whip scars, or a distended what-have-you, but those things add character and distinction to any physique. You'd get just as many scars, if not more, wrestling vampires and arachnids for handfuls of coins; by comparison, this is a killer deal.

"Okay, but even if my body is safe, I don't want to think of strangers abusing my unconscious self. It's degrading!" Dear reader, get with the times! This isn't Victorian England - there's nothing dirty about a little fantasy - sexual or otherwise - to spice up your life. Some folks, sadly, are so ashamed of their inclinations that they could never fulfil them without the help of a gallant meatpuppet to make their dreams come true! Think of being someone's meatpuppet as being their very thorough therapist - and at a therapist's salary, to boot!

"All right, Anderr, you've convinced me to seek a career in the new and exciting field of meat puppetry - what do I need to know?" Well, dear reader, aside from the directions, not a whole lot! It's a truly equalizing job, in that it requires no highfalutin' education or training - simple, honest labor. You should, however, be aware that while unconscious, you will be unable to voluntarily wake until your shift has ended - usually about 24 triad city hours, for which you must be present (i.e. logged in) the entire time. During this period, you will also be unable to communicate in any way with the world around you, including being unable to place bids on auctions. Also, you may be a bit worn out after a session. Take a quick powernap after you regain consciousness before you run any marathons!


And remember, since you'll be asleep the whole time, be sure to boost up your intelligence before nodding off, so that you'll have more (and more rewarding) dreams - fall asleep with your glasses on, go ahead!

"Well Anderr, not only would I like to work as a meatpuppet, I'd like to use one myself! How can I book a session to play with a meatpuppet?" Sorry, as of this writing, only members of an elite club can actually buy meatpuppet sessions, and the club is not accepting new members. Perhaps some day the plain citizens of the city like you or I will be able to have a meatpuppet play out our fantasies, but not today. This is effectively a business where you have to be the supply, not the demand, so to speak.

Well, dear reader, I hope you've seen that there's nothing degrading or morally ambiguous about the honest, rewarding career of meatpuppetry! For the City's poor and powerless, meatpuppetry provides a hand up - not a handout - and a chance to sleep your way to success! A shiny new Ivory-handled sword is only 44 naps away, thanks to meatpuppetry! And when you're feeling flush with your spacious home full of shiny new armour and weapons, you can feel true pride at your accomplishment. Join the newest profession! Become a meatpuppet - today!

DISCLAIMER: Anderr and the FreeBlade Corporation do not accept any responsibility for injuries or emotional trauma suffered as a result of this article. Neuro-muscular augmentation has been known to cause compatibility issues with the Neural bypass. Do not work as a meatpuppet if you are cyber-enhanced. By reading this you acknowledge your duty to research all possible side-effects of meatpuppetry and accept the small but extant risk of ultra-neuro-motor hyper-acclimatization syndrome.

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