The TriadCity Adventurer

All the News that Causes Fits — December 24, 2025


A Most Exciting Evening on the Mount of Martyrs!

by Your Junior Correspondent, Violet Blackwood (age 8 and three quarters!)
Month of Bulls 20, Year of the Hare 12

I have been on the most TREMENDOUS adventure! Nanny Collins would have absolute kittens if she knew I went to the Mount of Martyrs all by myself, but a proper reporter must go where the stories are, and there are ever so many stories there!

To get there I rode the FUNICULAR! It's a little railway that goes straight up the hill, pulled by cables, and it's the most thrilling thing! You sit in a tiny carriage and it goes up and up and UP at such an angle that I thought we might tip over backwards! A lady next to me clutched her hat and said "mon Dieu" which I think means she was enjoying it too. From the top you can see ALL of the City spread out like a map — the river and the rooftops and tiny people walking about like ants! I rode it three times. A girl selling hats recognized me and said "encore, petite?" which means "again, little one?" and I said OUI which is Mount speak for YES. I am becoming very Continental!

First I visited a cabaret called the Moulin Rouge, because I liked the pretty poster for it in the funicular station. It has a big red windmill on top! Inside there are ladies who do the most ATHLETIC dancing I've ever seen — they kick their legs up higher than their HEADS, which I cannot do even though I'm very good at gymnastics. Miss Primsworth would say their petticoats are showing, which is true, but everyone claps and cheers so I expect it's considered alright to show one's petticoats there on the Mount. A lady called La Goulue is the best kicker of all, and she stole a gentleman's drink right off his table while dancing! Very naughty but also very clever.

There's another dancer called Jane Avril who's quite different — she moves like she's dreaming, all floaty and strange. A short man with a beard was drawing pictures of her on a napkin. When I asked if she was a ballerina, a waiter laughed and said "something like that, petite." I don't know what's funny about ballet! — my lessons hurt my toes!

Next I went to a place called Le Néant, which means "nothingness" in Mount language. It's decorated like a funeral parlour! The waiters dress as undertakers and they serve drinks in COFFINS! A man in a black suit told very funny stories about dead people, which sounds horrid but everyone was laughing and I laughed too. There's a lady in a skeleton costume who dances about while making jokes. I didn't understand many of them, but the audience thought they were wonderful fun.

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Vampire Sightings

Hizzonor the Mayor advises:

  • A large family reportedly infests the old carousel: explore with caution.
  • Certain screams at the Cineplex may not be related to film.
  • The corpse of a derelict with fang marks was reported near Potemkin Village.

Stakes, holy water and crosses are available from VampAway® stores and other fine locations.


Films Showing in Merchant City

The Metropolitan Theater is proudly showing Fritz Lang's 1927 Expressionist masterpiece, Metropolis.

The Theatre du Roi shows Jean-Christophe Averty's 1965 film version of Jarry's Ubu Roi.

Zarathustra's Coffee House and Theatre shows key works by Eisenstein and Vertov.

Free popcorn! If you employ a nanny, you probably won't enjoy yourself.


POLICE BLOTTER


Wanted By CrimeNet

Dina
Sigi
aryaomino
Farin

SPORTING GREEN


Chariot Factions Ranked by Victories

red 3,933
blue 2,454
green 1,677
white 1,601

Top Ten Charioteers Ranked by Victories

Porphyrius 720
Pontius Epaphroditus 621
Scortius 562
Olympus 520
Epaphroditus 498
Olympianus 492
Juvencus 476
Diocles 465
Lacerta 432
Diomedes 418

CONSTRUCTION


Poobah

  • NorthEast: Clown College
  • NorthEast: Vampire Carousel
  • NorthWest: Rive Gauche
  • NorthWest: Tabriz Bazaar
  • NorthWest: Tatlin's
  • NorthWest: TriadCity University
  • South: Arcades

Devo

  • NorthEast: Exclusion Zone
  • Multiple: Pet Trainers

CLASSIFIEDS


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